RELATIONSHIP BREAKDOWN | PRACTICAL GUIDANCE
Why Can't I Think Clearly During Separation?
If you're going through a separation or divorce and finding it harder to think clearly, make decisions or manage communication, there's a reason. Understanding what's happening can help you respond rather than simply react.
Guess what?
Your brain is actually trying to protect you
Relationship breakdown can bring a huge amount of uncertainty which can send us into survival mode.
Where will I live? What happens with the children? Can I afford this? What are they going to do next? Am I making the right decision?
During this time, your brain may register uncertainty, conflict and change as threat even more than usual.
When that happens, your stress response kicks in sending you into fight, flight or freeze mode as a way of protecting yourself. Each of these can affect how you think, communicate and respond.
What does your stress response feel like?
Stress doesn't always look like panic. Sometimes it feels like the urge to reply immediately. Sometimes it feels like avoiding the situation completely. Sometimes it feels like you simply can't think.
Starting to notice what your go-to reactions are, can help you begin to respond differently.
FIGHT — “I need to deal with this now.”
You may feel an urgent need to reply, defend yourself, correct what's been said or make the other person understand.
Everything feels urgent.
FLIGHT — “I can't deal with this.”
You may avoid the email, put off a decision or keep yourself busy so you don't have to think about what's happening.
Dealing with it later feels easier than dealing with it now.
FREEZE — “I don't know what to do.”
You may struggle to make a decision, read something without taking it in or find your mind simply goes blank.
Even straightforward decisions can suddenly feel difficult.
You might recognise one response, or move between all three.
The important thing isn't the label. It's noticing when it's happening.
What can I do right now?
First, notice what is happening.
Am I fighting? Am I trying to get away from this? Or am I shutting down?
Then ask yourself:
Do I actually need to respond or decide this right now?
When you're overwhelmed, creating even a small amount of space before you act can change what happens next.
You don't have to solve the whole situation in that very moment. Sometimes the most useful decision you can make is simply:
I'm not going to decide this while I'm overwhelmed.
And remind yourself:
I cannot control what is outside of me. I can control how I respond.
Not sure how to create that space?
That's exactly why I created Before You Respond.
It's a free, short, practical resource that helps you recognise your stress response and gives you simple tools you can use depending on whether you're fighting, avoiding or shutting down.
When you need more than a tool
Sometimes the overwhelm isn't just about one difficult message or decision.
If relationship breakdown is affecting your ability to think clearly, communicate, make decisions or work out what you want moving forward, Relationship Breakdown Support gives you somewhere to work through that with support.